Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
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I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Who called it cremation and not ashashination