“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
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Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.