Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
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Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
me logging onto twitter
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Me too 😆
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go