I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
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The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first