I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
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I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
You are what you delete.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I have two kinds of followers