WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
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The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?