Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
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WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”