wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
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When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.