[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
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wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I know
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
me 2 months after i graduated
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.