Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
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Tell me you get it…🤣
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
This is hilarious….
i spent way too long on this
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Nice try, NASA
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
That’s easy for you to say
Seems legit
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.