FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
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Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.