[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
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Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam