I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
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Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Morning my dudes.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.