so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
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#polloftheday
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.