Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
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GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
haha same
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you