[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
You Might Also Like
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Girl, same.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.