Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
You Might Also Like
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!