Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
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Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.