One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
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OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.