*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
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If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
The human personality is made of five key elements
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec