Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
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Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.