Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
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Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.