me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
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[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.