If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
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cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.