Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I get distracted pretty eas
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Software Development ⛵️
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see