Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
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no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Gods work.
Beware…..
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Hotels are back