WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
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[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I triple waxed for this?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.