I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.