[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
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911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My dog ate my work from home.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.