i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
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Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.