[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
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Husband of the year 😂
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Finally! 😈
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.