My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Oops
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”