20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
🦝🔥🦝🔥
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too