Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
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A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
every college guy’s fridge
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.