They grow up so quick
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“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Life is a suicide mission.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.