“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
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There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
For those that worship cheese..
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Hot Hot Hot
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no