Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
kids play hide and seek like
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.