JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
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I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
oh you wanna fight?!
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.