my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
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There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I am HOWLING at this
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
For the ones in the back.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
@ candidates for local office
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.