I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
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HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
*sewing*
A thread
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.