I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
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[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop