Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude