If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
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If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?