My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
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My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Steam Forums
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.