“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
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My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Smells like a challenge to me
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets