WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
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They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I think my mom just blocked me
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Best table by far
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.