WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
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“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Best spoiler warning ever
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Just grow your own
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house