Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
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I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
How did we not see this back then?
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what