him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
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Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Legend 🤣🤣