A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
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He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.